| | I've always thought that saying I own something or that it's mine is
only shorthand for saying that it's something I live with in my
environment and get to enjoy or use or whatever. I want to examine that
closely and see if it's true.
I know that when I'm
non-depressed and happy in my relationship with Mr L my tendency is to
joyfully attribute everything good I have to him: Oh thank you, you let
me get my favorite cereal at the store, oh thank you, you bought me
pretty things at the Goodwill. The nature of a relationship, though, is
that things aren't always happy and smooth sailing and when I'm
depressed or unhappy my tendency is to clutch at the things I treasure
to ensure that they're "mine" and that no one takes them away from me.
I wonder whether this is an effect of being unhappy and insecure, or
whether it *has* a causal effect on being unhappy and insecure.
Of
course, our personal histories are different and this probably affects
the way each of us looks at material belongings. I've never been in a
position where I provided for myself; I went straight from living with
my mother (who used good things of all kinds from food to cosmetics and
gifts as tools to reflect whether I was in a state of grace with her
and to maintain control over me) to marrying Mr L. Living with Mr L and
being dependent on him was the first time I experienced being given
good things as an imperfect person, on having my access to the things I
enjoyed not being dependent on the state of our relationship.
He
has always provided for me, and I think this means I view him as
provider on a basic level, while my experience with my mother makes it
hard for me to take material things for granted, which change the
equation for me. I struggle with a feeling of entitlement to material
goods in general, I think the same entitlement more or less that people
in a privileged society like ours have, but my tendency is not to feel
entitled to things by being given them and feel humble by being denied
them, it's the opposite. I feel humbled and grateful when I get things
and if I feel insecure or unhappy I clutch tightly at the things I have
while not daring to show desire for other things. |
| | Posted 9/2/2008 4:22 PM - 70 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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